There are many things which happen that are ignored by the major news services. For example, residents of the small Victorian town of Gunne’s Gully were awoken one day last week by a loud explosion that shook every building almost off its foundations. Upon investigation the local police found a massive crater smack in the middle of the football oval. Sources quoted the groundsman as saying, ‘Its gunna take a shitload of dirt to fill in that bugger’. The police were less forthcoming.
However the mayor, Alderman Slick, was more than happy to speculate, ‘It was probably caused by an alien space craft. We get a lot of them around here, you know.’
That evening the pub was doing a roaring trade, thanks to an influx of numerous sightseers and several news crews, when the main door swung open and in walked a tall green man with red antenna. All heads turned as the out-of-towner made his way to the bar.
‘Hey you,’ called out the barman, ‘There’s no service at that end of the bar dickhead. Come down here if you want a drink.’
Somewhat embarrassed the unusual looking visitor explained that he had not intended to crash in the middle of the football oval but he had simply run out of fuel and the steering had failed. It had been just as well for him that the airbags had worked. In fact, he had been on his way to Venus so whichever way you looked at it landing on the blue planet had been ‘a total stuff up.’ This heart-rending tale struck a chord with the drinkers who voted to shout the visitor a couple of pints while Jimmy from the garage had a crack at repairing the damage to the space craft.
‘Jimbo can fix anything, mate’ said one of the locals as a nice cold beer was pressed into the green man’s hand. The comment was rewarded with a tight smile. Six pints later, the man produced his inter-galactic platinum card and announced he would shout the whole bar.
‘Just put that away mate. Your money is no good here,’ said the barman. ‘When you get back home just tell ’em that Gunne’s Gully is the place to come to, but please look out for the frigging footy ground when landing.’
‘Yeah mate, I’d forget about Venus if I were you. I hear their beer tastes like horse’s piss.’
So it was that four hours after entering the pub, the man in green strode out, slightly unsteady and with his antenna twitching, but considerably cheered up by the friendly reception he had received. Unfortunately, as soon as he hit the fresh country air he started to feel a little tipsy. Twelve pints will do that to any man. Somehow he managed to get back into his cockpit to find that the engines kicked over first time.
‘You are a bloody genius Jimbo,’ he yelled out over the noise of the jets.
The locals were then treated to a series of loop-the-loops and other daring manoeuvres.
‘He’s pissed,’ observed Mayor Slick.
‘Just so long as he stays clear of the footy ground,’ replied the groundsman.
As the craft disappeared from view there was a collective sigh of relief. The happy crowd then streamed back into the pub to watch the football highlights show on the big screen.
Not long afterwards residents of Shanghai awoke to the sound of a massive explosion and found a huge crater in the middle of a leafy city park. A somewhat embarrassed pilot staggered from the wreck apologising for disturbing the peace and quiet of the neighbourhood. However, local authorities detained the man to await trial on charges of attempting to subvert the amenity of the peoples’ park.
In news just in, Shanghai police are looking for a tall, green man with red antenna who escaped from lawful custody early this morning. He is described as being of foreign appearance. More news as it comes to hand.